Kids & Family Jokes
Abby Birthday to you!
What do you give a 900 pound gorilla for his birthday?|
I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!
Abbott time you answered the door!
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock!
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
watch video of this kids joke!
What is a ghost's favourite food?
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
Where did the cow want to go for his birthday?
Why was Piglet looking in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
watch video of this piglet joke!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What does a boxer like to drink?
What did the duck say to the comedian?
"You quack me up."
A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days and went home on Friday. How is that possible?
The cowboy's horse was named Friday!
There is a man trapped in a house. There is only one door. It is guarded by a dragon. How does he get out?
He climbs out the window.
What pit does everyone have?
What weighs more 1000lbs of feathers or 1000lbs. of rocks?
They both weigh a 1000lbs.
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Why couldn't the 11 year old boy get into the pirate movie?
Because it was rated arghhh!
What animal needs oil?
A mouse, because it squeaks.
Did you hear the funny joke about the virus and the flu?
No? Good, because I don't want to spread it around, you know...
How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Which fish is the richest?
What's smarter than a talking bird?
A spelling bee.
What do dolls eat?
What's white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
How did the farmer fix his jeans?
With a cabbage patch!
What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
"We have to stick together."
What time is it when an elephant sits in a chair?
Time to buy a new chair!
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.
What's the difference between a grape and a chicken?
They're both purple, except the chicken!
Q: What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer's day?
A: A mice cream cone.
Q: What is the biggest ant in the world?
A: An eleph-ant.
Q: What's even bigger than that?
A: A gi-ant!
Q: What bug is welcome in apartments?
Q: Where do ants eat?
A: At a restaur-ant.
Q: What bird is always out of breath?
A: A puffin.
Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: What kind of animal is always found at baseball games?
A: The bat.
Q: How do you make a skunk stop smelling?
A: Pinch it's nose closed.
Q: Why do Hummingbirds hum?
A: They've never learned the words!
Q: Which are the strongest creatures in the ocean?
Q: Where is the best place to park a dog?
A: In a barking lot.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Bear and Skunk?
A: 'Winnie the Pehew'
Q: Why did the lion spit out the clown?
A: Because he tasted funny.
Q: What kind of food is crazy about money?
A: A dough-nut!
Q: Where do burgers like to dance?
A: At a Meatball!
Q: Why are chefs hard to like?
A: Because they beat eggs, whip cream, and mash potatoes!
Q: Why do Toadstools grow so close together?
A: They don't need Mushroom.
Q: What jam can't be eaten on toast?
A: A traffic jam!
Q: Why is Cinderella so bad at sports?
A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she runs away from the ball.
Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos weren't ready?
A: "Some day my prints will come."
Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!
Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!
Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!
Q: Where would you learn to make ice cream?
A: At sundae school.
Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!
Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!
Q. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A. Angel food cake!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why did the turtle cross the street?
To get to the Shell station!
What do you get when you cross a brontosaurus with a lime?
What do pigs put on when they get burned?
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Shelby coming around the mountain when she comes.
Panther no panth, I'm goin' thwimmin'!
Leaf me alone!
Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!
What is a tornado's favorite game?
Why did the fish go to the library?
To find some bookworms!
What is a carpenter's favorite fish?
A hammerhead shark!
Why are Grandpa's teeth like stars?
Because they come out every night!
Why did they fire the cross-eyed school teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!
Why did the baserunner go to jail?
He stole two bases!
Why didn't the first baseman get to dance with Cinderella?
He missed the ball!
Why did the policeman spend a lot of time in his bed?
He was an undercover cop.
A boy was having a birthday party.
A mushroom walks in, and the little boy says,
"That mushroom can't come to my birthday party!"
The mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)"
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
It wasn't peeling well!
Where does the Easter bunny get his breakfast?
Why did the old man put the Easter bunny on his head?
Because he had no hare!
What is the Easter bunny's favorite game?
What did the Easter Bunny do after his wedding?
He took his wife on their bunnymoon!
What is the Easter bunny and his friend's favorite type of music?
What do you get when you cross an insect and the Easter bunny?
How do you get two pounds of chocolate home in a hot car?
Eat it in the parking lot!
What kind of treat does the Easter bunny hide at the bottom of the ocean?
What did the Easter bunny say to the lollipop?
Why did the Easter Egg refuse to tell jokes?
He was afraid he would crack up!
What do rabbits get when it rains?
How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
How do rabbits say goodbye to carrots?
It's been nice gnawing you!
How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one - after that it's not empty anymore!
How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
Hide in a bush and make a noise like a carrot!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Why can't a rabbits nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
Spooky Halloween Jokes!
Q. What type of dogs do vampires like best?
Q. What did the ghost say when it bumped it's head?
A. Boo Hoo!
Q. What does a skeleton always say before eating?
A. Bone Appetit!
Q. Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A. Because they have 'bat' breath!
Q. What kind of street do zombies like?
A. Dead ends!
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Q. What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Q. What did the dead Egyptian say when he got lost?
A. I want my Mummy!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts!
Q. How can you tell when Dracula has a cold?
A. When he starts coffin!
Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business for himself?
A. He wanted to get a-head in life!
Q. What does a vampire fear most?
A. Tooth decay!
Q. Who did the Zombie invite to his party?
A. Anybody he could dig up!
Q. How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A. With blood vessels!
Q. Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A. Because people are dying to get in!
Q. What do you call a monster chasing a train full of people?
Q. Why did the cyclops quit teaching?
A. He had only one pupil!
Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Q. What did the daddy ghost say to his family when they went out for a drive?
A. Fasten your sheet belts!
Q. What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A. It's a pain in the neck!
Q. What's a goblin's favorite fruit?
Q. What is a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A. A trombone!
Q. What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?
A. A lab!
Q. Why are mummies good secret agents?
A. Because they are good at keeping things under wraps!
Q. What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house?
A. Ice screams! (or Frost Bite!)
Q. How long does a mummy stay in the hospital after losing his bandages?
A. Until he is completely recovered!
Q. What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
A. Fur away as you can get!
Q. What's a werewolf's favorite holiday?
Q. What are Casper's favorite pants?
A. Boo Jeans!
Q. What position did the ghost play in soccer?
Q. What's a ghost's favorite meat?
Q. What do ghosts eat on Halloween?
Q. What do you call a ghost in the jungle?
Q. Why did the headless horseman go to the Halloween party all alone?
A. There was no headroom in the car!
Q. How many people in this room like monsters?
A. Don't raise your hand or he'll eat your hand!
Q. Why can't ghosts sing at church?
A. Because they don't have any organs!
Q. What do ghosts like on their roast beef?
Q. How does a ghost eat a hot dog?
A. By goblin it!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. Do you believe in people?
Q. What do you call a friendly and handsome monster?
A. A failure!
Q. What's a monster's favorite game?
A. Swallow the leader!
Q. What's a monster's favorite song?
A. "Ghouls just wanna have fun"!
Q. Who's the best monster at the party?
A. The boogie man!
Q. Where do you find a one-handed monster?
A. In a second-hand store!
Q. What is Dracula's favorite movie?
A. The Vampire Strikes Back!
Q. What's the problem with twin witches?
A. You can never tell which witch is which!
Q. What happens when you cross a witch and a clown?
A. A brew haha!
Q. Why don't witches wear flat hats?
A. Because there's no point in doing so!
Father's Day Jokes to tell your dad
"Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"
"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"
"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"
What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to!
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!
What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?
Mom and Dad!
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!
Do fathers always snore?
No - only when they are asleep!
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck!
Q. Why did the chicken want to play in the band?
A. 'Cause he had the drum sticks.
What happened to the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind with his orders!
What are seagulls that live by the bay? BAGELS
Two cows are standing in a field.
The first one asks "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease?"
The second one responds "It doesn't worry me, I'm a duck".
What do you call an Amish man with his hand in a horse's butt?
Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze!
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."
It was so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken!
What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn?
An egg roll!!
Where do you find a turkey with no legs?
Exactly where you left him!
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
|we print a handful of jokes out, fold each joke up, and put it in a little dish on the table for family dinner parties. everybody can take turns reading them. it's a great ice-breaker and gets the whole gang laughing. give it a try!|